Why your new year will be happy.

As poignant moments go few could compare.

Imagine it, I had arrived back in Hanoi late Thursday afternoon, on a trip that started in Newcastle and ended in Vietnam, via London and Hong Kong.

Even later Thursday night I received a text message to say that Friday would be our annual Winter Appeal. A time when the KOTO trainees give back to those less fortunate. In the past we made hot soup for kids in a youth detention centre and given blankets to help needy families through the cold winter months.

Yesterday we were visiting a centre that housed the disabled, and Agent Orange affected.

Having been away, I had not assisted at all in setting up the event. I only found out we were going the night before and I ended up being given the role of photographer so that pics could be sent to donators to the cause.

Anyway…we arrived. We gave our gifts. The young people there sang and danced their welcomes to us. Their disabilities were obvious and their bravery equally so.

Then they took us around the complex. It was then we realised that these young people, disabled as they were, were the comparative lucky ones. Most of the residents were unable to leave their beds.

As I have said before, people affected by Agent Orange have the cruellest of disabilities. Their disfigurements are truly shocking. People born without limbs…or limbs so twisted as to make them useless. Disturbingly large or small facial features and traumatic disabilities that go far beyond the physical. The list goes on…it seems like no two disabilities are the same.

And seeing babies with these ailments is the most shocking of all. Their lives have just started and they will never see a good day. As someone said to me…the very worst day we suffer will be a hundred times better than their best.

And the KOTO trainees - these former street kids who have never had it easy - realised and voiced their opinions at just how lucky they were. These weren’t western kids mouthing platitudes copied from charity appeals. These were young people in a country that has had it tough, coming to their own conclusions.

And if they are lucky what does that make me? White, middle class, healthy and living a life so happy and rewarding in such an amazing country?

But back to that poignant moment. I had dutifully taken pictures of our trip. In all honesty I had avoided the worst affected people. Even when you are visiting disabled individuals it seems like a fine line between learning about their disabilities and just simply gawping insensitively at them. Taking photos didn’t seem right.

Anyway, despite this, I soon ran out of space on my camera memory card. I went back to delete some of the shots that were either blurry or badly taken. It was then I realised that I still had the shots taken of my family Christmas back home in the UK.

And there in the viewfinder was my gorgeous little niece. So beautiful. A first grandchild for my proud parents and surrounded by attentive family members and a whole range of Christmas gifts.

Only days later, I was back in Vietnam, working with KOTO to bring a small amount of cheer to these disabled people. But these people aren’t just disabled. They also have next to nothing and, despite the best of intentions and the hard work and dedication of the staff, they live in harsh conditions on a shoestring budget.

For those of us who work in NGOs the buzz word will always be “sustainability”. But this organisation can never be sustainable. Sustainability implies a happy ending and there will be no happy endings. These people can never work for a living. The worst affected cannot be trained. This charity will never generate money. They will always rely on what little they can get from the government and the generosity of others. The best the residents can hope for is to be made as comfortable as possible.

KOTO has made me shed a bucket load of tears since I arrived. But every time I have had a lump in my throat it’s been happiness that has caused it. Tales of achievement, lives changed and happy endings move me constantly. But yesterday there were tears from many of us. Sad tears that these people live the most horrific lives and nothing much can ever improve it.

And it seems selfish to take any personal positive thoughts out of this situation but I couldn’t help but think that this visit was a good way to start a new year.

Because if you see these people and how they suffer how can you not be thankful of your own blessed existence? How can you not be thankful for every day you live? And I want to remember that, all 365 days of 2006.

Forget every little hardship you suffer. Everything you wanted but didn’t get. Every dissatisfaction with your own cosmetic or physical blemishes. Forget your irritability over your work, your pay or your career as a whole. Forget that there are people with more than you.

Because there are a huge number of people who will always be worse off in every single way.

What I have seen. And what I have now told you, shouldn’t make us miserable. It should make us celebrate and value what we have. And, in an ideal world it should also make us commit to using our health, wealth and abilities to, in some small way, make others’ lives better.

There, I have made your New Years’ resolution for you.

Happy New Year

* For obvious reasons I didn’t want to post pictures with this post but if you would like to see a handful of shots from the visit then go here. As I said earlier, I didn't take photos of the worst affected residents.

Naivete in the UK

I had been warned.

I was told when I set out on this journey that the biggest culture shock wasn’t going out - it was coming home.

And it’s true. Back home in Newcastle, UK, everything seems a little odd. It’s wonderful to be home and see my family but it’s odd none the less. Western people live much easier lives than those in the developing world – but why then does everyone here look so tired and so much less happy than their Eastern counterparts?

I’ve written before about the bubble you find yourself in as an ex-pat. There can’t be many countries that missed out on Live 8.

I’ve been catching up on that through the series showed on BBC1. I found the compilation shown of the performances hugely moving and the message they conveyed, inspirational.

It was in contrast to much of the sniping from the media in their end of year roundups that I had heard about the event. Some Notting Hill type from the Late Show Review called it naïve liberal propaganda. The music press, I’ve read, had poked fun at the likes of Bono and Geldof.

It reminded me of a book I had been reading. What's the Matter with Kansas – basically it spells out the demonising of Liberals in the US. Is the UK following suit? Is compassion and understanding becoming unfashionable here too?

But then I watched as Britain, seemingly without fuss, welcomed in the registration of gay partnerships – essentially gay marriages. It did us, as a country, a lot of credit.

And I watched the barrage of news that we get at home and for the most part it seemed trivial. News story after news story featured stupid white men in suits, posturing and posing themselves into a spin. And does anything really change?

That’s why I loved Live 8. They made something happen. They weren’t bothered about looking cool or focus groups or setting themselves up for a fall. They did because it because they believed in it and it was a force for change. In the end you do something or you do nothing.

For naïve and liberal I always think you could read – knowing the difference between right and wrong. It isn’t always shades of grey – issues can be black or white. And people can make a difference.

I’m remain very proud to work for KOTO and to be part of VSO. VSO have development volunteers all over the world making a difference. Maybe we are all naïve.

Viva naïve!

Those Blog Awards

I appreciate that many of you will be here at this blog for the first time, having been sent here by a blog awards things.

I also appreciate that some good people out there have been good enough to support my nomination and have suggested people vote for me. Thank-you.

However, there'll be no links from this website to the awards and no requests for your vote.

The simple reason is this: I am not supporting the awards. It seems to me, that for the most part, awards are run in order to create traffic to one site. Namely that of the organisers. These types of popularity contests just require everyone to encourage all their web visitors to go and vote for them.

However, I won't be doing that. The reason I am not supporting the awards is that it is run by a far right US pro-war, neo-con website.

And I am sorry. Living in, and loving, Vietnam as I do. There is no way I am going to send traffic there. Like the time I was asked to a function in Hanoi that was a benefit to raise money for the US Marines' Ball - well it just doesn't sit right.

So, if you have arrived here from that site, then I hope you like this blog and I hope you come again. If you want to vote for me, then feel free but you're probably wasting your time. If you are a regular reader here and don't know what I am talking about - sorry but I'm not linking back to the awards.

But I am linking to this - an old post from me. Read it and hopefully you can understand my position.

The Football Test

I seem to be spending an increasing amount of time talking to tour groups visiting KOTO.

Not just visiting the restaurant - many are also keen to see behind the scenes at the training centre (pictured). They want to see our classrooms, our training kitchen, the artwork from the kids on the walls, and the various tales of "where are they now" that are prompted by the headshots of KOTO graduates.

Quite often we'll start sitting downstairs as the collect themselves after their short trip over. I give a quick overview on KOTO - starting with the Jimmy Pham story. I then tell them about our success (over 150 young lives changed for the better, a 100% success rate in finding jobs for graduates), and somewhere amongst all of that I try to convey what a happy place this is to be a part of.

Anyway, a recent tour group followed these initial questions which a quick trek around the building where they met some of the staff and one of the KOTO classes who were in the middle of their English lessons. Afterwards I asked them if they had any more questions. And for some reasons the questions became more personal.

What was it like living in Vietnam? What was working for KOTO like? Do you miss home?

Living in Vietnam is wonderful. Working for KOTO is amazing. Frustrating and tiring but amazing. Do I miss home? Yes but I'm in contact with my family via email if nothing else. And I'll be home again soon.

I always try to downplay any suggestion of sacrifice to be here. To be honest the suggestion embarrasses me. How can this be a sacrifice when it's all so fabulous?

And then they asked: Does Hanoi feel like home?

And anyone who has read this blog before will know that it does to me. It very much feels like home, I feel comfortable here. For some reason though I attempted to answer the question using football as an example. If England played Vietnam at football who would I support?

It's not even close to be honest. I'd be supporting Vietnam all the way. The England football team, entourage and fans, feel like a reflection of all the things I started to dislike about my country.

It's partly the spoilt, Nike/Addidas/Reebok-branded superstars. It's partly the banal celebrity coverage from the press. It's the right-wing morons that follow the team. It's the capital-centric aspect to it all. It's the knee jerk over-reactions when it all turns sour.

Although, obviously my answer to the tour group wasn't quite to fulsome.

I remembered my thoughts on this tonight because Vietnam were playing Thailand in the final of the SEA Games. There has been much excitement around the Vietnamese football team recently after a string of wins. Unfortunately, however, this was a game too far. Thailand won.

Shame. There will be no repeat of the flag waving at Hoan Kiem that were prompted by recent wins. And again, it all seems so much more appealing that morons smashing BMWs because England got beat by Germany. Or the press promoting each games as a rerun of World War II or the Falkland Islands or whatever.

I guess the real question would be if, in a parallel universe, some strange quirk meant Hanoi playing Newcastle in the final for Best Football Team on the Planet. Then who would I cheer?

That's much harder. Newcastle are my team. I have no time for the British version of nationalism but I am very proud of my city and the region I am from.

Because as much as Hanoi feels like home. Home is more than just where you are and what feels comfortable. Home is where your family, and your roots, are - and that is the North East of England.

I guess I am lucky enough to have two homes. Newcastle and Hanoi. Two of the finest cities you will ever visit with absolutely nothing in common what so ever - except maybe their ability to make you feel very welcome.

From Thursday I'll be back in Newcastle. On Saturday I'll be watching Newcastle United.

And, just as I miss Newcastle from time to time, I know I'll miss Hanoi.

Running on Empty/ The Long Road Home

Okay I'm not a bundle of laughs right now.

You've heard all the good "I love Vietnam" stuff so you're going to have to hang around and hear me whinge too. Sorry about that.

Post Ba Vi I have kind of collapsed. I took Monday off and spent the day in bed. Sometime during the day I started to feel not exactly quite right. A little hot and cold but I just put it down to general tiredness.

So I was back at work on Tuesday. Still knackered, still not 100% but thinking I was coming around. By Wednesday I was feeling ropey. By Thursday I was worse. Today I stayed in bed. I feel awful.

Next Thursday I go home. I'm looking forward to it. As much as I love it here - right now I need a soft bed (the bed that I am writing this from is literally making my arse numb as I sit up to type), I want a hot bath too. I also seem to have developed a fixation for proper wholemeal bread.

Anyway, there is something about Vietnam that always just leaves you knackered. I can't quite decide whether this is because living here is so difficult and every task takes that little bit longer - or whether it's because living here couldn't be easier and as a result of motorbike drivers who save you from walking and cleaners who save you from any domestic drudgery you just become incredibly lazy.

Anyway...no such chances for an easy life at KOTO. There's a million things to do before I slope off next week. Gotta be fit by Monday. In the meantime I shall lie here feeling hot, crappy and sweaty.

By the way, knowing that I would spend the day lying in bed on Friday I visited the DVD shop on the way home. I must stop doing that. It's not the purchasing of DVD that is the problems it's the people moaning about the price. Backpackers ...it's not compulsory to haggle over everything. Sometimes the price is the price is the price.

(Sorry I know that this has been covered before by other Vietnam-based bloggers but think of it as therapy for me. )

Anyway the scene went something like this.....

Four "European" backpackers with large bags taking over the back room of Victory DVDs on Hang Bac Street. They had a large list of DVDs they wanted. Most were Vietnam related films: Apocalypse Now, The Lover, Indochine etc. They were obviously aiming to put the films on at their hostel and avoid having to leave the room again - so much easier just to see it all on TV.

Anyway...after they had picked out a dozen films.....and they had asked for each to be checked out on the DVD player and screen there.......and they had checked the various lanaguages that were dubbed and subtitled...the following conversation started:

Backpacker: "So how much are the DVDs?"

Shopkeepers: "They are 17,000 each". (about one dollar, seven cents)

BP: But they are 14,000 everywhere else. (NOTE: Not everywhere else - just the places that sell the really poor quality copies that never work).

SK: "I am sorry it is a set price of 17,000"

BP: "But I cannot afford that."

SK "I am sorry"

BP:"You realise I could open a shop next to you. Buy DVDs at 14,000 elsewhere and sell them for 15,000 and become a rich man" (Note: Whaaaaaat? He really said this. Honest.)

SK: "I am sorry this is the price"

BP: "But we cannot afford this. We will go and not buy anything if you don't drop the price to at least 16,000. I cannot pay 17,000"

SK: " Sorry it is set price".

BP: "Then I leave".

I have seen this play out a a dozen times. God it annoys me. For the record this guy was arguing over 1,000 dong, around six cents. I am sorry but if you argue over this kind of money then you are a moron. Please stop embarassing yourself.

I didn't hang around long enough to find out but, what normally happens is that the backpackers who make a big show about storming out over one or two thousand dong, normally return inside 20 seconds, blushing and saying, okay...they will have the DVDs. Yup, that six cents difference really isn't worth walking across town for.

There is a culture amongst backpackers where they think they are some kind of charity. We get it at KOTO too. People come in, eat a meal, pay the bill and fill in their customer satisfaction form saying everything was fantastic but they shouldn't be expected to pay $3 for a meal because "they are only backpackers".

Mate, if you can afford to fly half way across the world and, most probably, take a year out from work, then you can afford an extra six cents on the price of a DVD or $3 for a meal. If you can't afford it then simply don't buy it. But there is nothing more distasteful that backpackers landing in developing countries and pleading poverty. You are NOT poor. And if you are, and if you really can't afford anything then go back home and get a fecking job.

You're making yourself look stupid. Trust me.

And I'm sorry, I am just tired and crabby right now. But...it gets me so mad. Expect more touchy feely stuff soon.