a gentle nudge

I notice on Bloglines that 30 people still subscribe to this blog via rss/atom.

Just thought I should tell you all to turn over to the new home of my blog at: www.ourmaninhanoi.com

See you there. One day I'll close this blog down.

Then what'll you do?

Huh?

Moving House

I'm moving. You can catch me from here on in at www.ourmaninhanoi.com

I got tired of Blogspot constantly being blocked in Vietnam. Here's hoping my new landlords Typepad don't go the same way.

Then again if it is blocked for you then you can't even read this.

Ah you'll work it out.

If you've linked me, sorry to be a pain in the arse but can you change your links. This blog will remain here but all new posts will be at the new site.

By the way, does anyone know a way of switching all the comments made to date here to the new site?

Hitting the Wall. Hitting Phu Quoc

At around 4pm last Sunday I hit the wall.

All the hardwork that had gone into staging graduation, all of the emotion, all of the pressure that it takes to work as a volunteer came to a head.

Add in the flaring up and almost instantaneous fizzling out of yet another disastrous fledging romance. Stir into the mix the claustrophobic Hanoi ex-pat village and I was ready to burst.

I had realised I hadn't been myself for a while. The smallest incidents at work were provoking near internal combustion. In my own time I was finding it increasingly hard to balance the pressures, importance and emotional stress that was my day time existence with the expat trappings of Hanoi life.

VSO told us that when we return we'll find it hard to adjust. Suddenly affluence will annoy us. Waste will infuriate. The shallowness of modern living will grate on us.

I guess for me it just happened while I was here. I wouldn't deny anybody anything and my expat excesses are no better or worse than most. But it's still a strange adjustment from the stories of struggle at work, to the stories of tailors, beauty salons, French pastries, wine and luxury spas outside.

So anyway, meltdown swept over me. With the new KOTO due to become reality in summer and with graduation over, it seemed like I had to get away now. Certainly without the break I wouldn't be in any shape to complete the vital upcoming work.

So with a shaky, cracking voice I rang my boss and she gave the permission. Two hours later I had booked a flight to the most laid back, quietest, least pressured place I could think of in Vietnam. Phu Quoc Island. I left 5am the next morning.

I stayed at the Mango Bay Resort. I had heard it was THE place to relax. The rumours were true. It was beautiful. The staff were friendly, the resort spacious, the wildlife fantastic. It's an eco resort and it's $15 rooms feel like $50 worth. Cheap enough for backpackers, good enough for anyone. Just beautiful. I will be back. I can't recommend it highly enough.

And so for five days I got my head back into shape. Staring at sunsets, swimming in the sea, devouring books.

I met and hung out with Claudia, by chance a VSOer in the making. She's quit her job and is just waiting for news of her postings. She's crossing her fingers for Vietnam.

Poor girl. I probably bored her senseless as I praised Vietnam but talked through the other pressures she can expect. She had done the excellent VSO Preparing for Changes course. They cover all of these ups and downs. I must admit, when I was in that same classroom I thought it would never happen to me.

I did promise her it would be the best time of her life. And I meant it.

But anyway. I got my head straight. I know what makes me happy. What makes me happy comes down to two things - Vietnam and my work. All the rest is a distraction. Now I need to find a way that I can maximise the positives and reduce the negatives. And to find a way of living with that Hanoi Expat Village claustrophobia.

Last night I said goodbye to a volunteer who had been in Hanoi for two and a half years. She was sad to go. She told me that in Hanoi she had been happier than ever before. She also told me that sometimes she had been her at her most miserable. And that's just the way it is. When the highs are higher the lows are inevitably lower.

And today, back at KOTO, I'm happy, relaxed and ready to work hard. And that should be the end of it.

But I can't help thinking back to a course we put on for the KOTO kids. "Dealing with Stress" it was called and it wasn't a huge success.

Why?

Because Vietnamese people have no concept of stress. They work hard. They shoulder unbelievable burdens. The KOTO kids manage to thrive despite earlier lives of unbelievable hardship and current lives with promise but little in the way of luxury.

So why do we, pampered westerners get burnt out? Why do we spend so much of our time analysing everything, navel gazing and over emoting?

It shames me. And I can't work it out. Once again, us volunteers who are here to teach, have so much to learn and so much to be thankful for.

But I'm back and ready for anything KOTO can throw at me. There will be a few adjustments in my social life. Pus a few slightly new directions and a few more deep breaths and "calm, calm, calm" thoughts.

But I'm cool. I may even be getting the hang of all this.

More Phu Quoc pics here.

The Process Complete.

So last night was the big one. The Graduation ceremony for class six.

KOTO well wishers numbered around 500, they came they clapped, they cheered and a few shed tears too.

It was a lavish affair that beffitted the kids' achievements. Pop stars, choirs, pyrotechnics, falling balloons, specially scored music, specially made films etc etc etc. It was all in their honour.

Did I cry? No, well not really. I welled up frequently. I took several moments at several times to compose myself. I hugged, I reassured - I stole KOTO posters from the walls to sneak to the graduates as souvenirs. I didn't say goodbye. I know they won't be able to stay away. I won't see them as often. But I will see them.

Because, like all the times at KOTO when the moment becomes overwhelming, it's only later that I try to put in context my emotions.

And the emotion isn't sadness. It's not quite happiness either. To best explain it I think I would have to say it's the process of being humbled.

The KOTO kids are a reflection of the country they are from. They've had it tough. They've had to fight. They've given their all and worked hard without complaints. And some how they have turned out magnificently.

It is that which is truly humbling.

Another volunteer said goodbye today and I reflectd on the goodbyes I will be giving in nine months. Emotionally I can't imagine getting through that. Because while you build ties with the kids they ultimately come and go. The staff that I have worked with since the start are remarkable and they have been my constant in this big KOTO family.

Today I am just so proud to be a part of it.

* The pic above is one of my own - a KOTO graduate with his proud family visiting from their countryside home. Expect more pics soon from the pro photgrapher at the event.

Emotion Building

It's late and I'm lying awake pondering the KOTO Class Six Graduation.

On Monday I helped out with art class - the kids are painting pictures for the new restaurant. They told me that Tuesday would be their last day in the current KOTO.

I got up early to catch them for breakfast. They queued up to ceremonially make me their last banana pancakes, orange juice and cappucino.

The rest of the day was not so fun. I had a million Powerpoint slides to do for the big night and the end was never in sight. It started early, it finished very late.

But Wednesday was better. G-day minus one and things were falling into place. The morning was a little tense though. Some of my late night Powerpointing was not being unduly praised and I took it badly. I was huffing and puffing around the office trying not to take my stress out on my colleagues who are all too serene, Vietnamese and beautiful to understand my moods.

And then Miss Lung came into the office. One of the soon-to-be-graduates. I heard her talking to a colleague as I tried my best to concentrate on my long over due work. Just as I was assuming the position of hands-on-ears-trying-to-type-with-elbows, I felt arms around my neck.

Then I felt tears against my cheek. Miss Lung doesn't want to leave KOTO. I don't want her to leave either. I'll miss her and class six. But I know that wherever she works they'll love here. She's a star - this amazing confident young woman who 18 months ago barely had the confidence to raise a whisper.

Then later the banner I had designed was delivered. It's huge. I had included pictures of all the trainees on it. They knew nothing about it and it was unfurled with surpise and appreciation. Watching them looking forward to their big day, and feeling proud of the special occasion we are creating for them, was incredible.

I finished at a respectable 9pm. Everything appears to be in hand. I would have got away sooner but for all the cigarrette breaks where I dissappeared to supress the lump in my throat and blink away the watery eyes. It's been that kind of day. The emotion is building.

Now it's 1am on g-day and I am realising there will be no hiding place. Crying in public seems slightly scarey right now, but I can't imagine avoiding it.

Pic of Lung, Chien and Hien - all graduating tonight and saying goodbye to KOTO.